You Get To Choose

You Get to Choose

I am grateful for the awareness

of being able to choose to grow.

Eleven years ago,

I lost my wife very suddenly

leading to being mired in grief for months,

a seemingly unending sadness.

Then one day, I remembered how

Jane E. loved my smile.

She called it my Cheshire cat grin.

This awareness prompted me

to put a smiley face on a post-it note

and place it on the bathroom mirror.

I saw that little post-it smiley face

every morning.

Reminding me,

I could smile again if I chose to.

It became a doorway for me

into a new perspective on life

and how to live it.

I walked through it,

hesitantly at first only to find myself

consumed by grief yet again

and then wake up and see the note.

It was like Jane E. was there telling me:

remember to smile,

remember to love yourself,

remember me with love in your heart

and not sorrow.

It is ok to feel sad,

it is ok to feel depressed,

but do remember

all the good times,

all the laughter and love

and celebrate what we had

for the time we had it.

And so my halting steps

through grief began.

I admitted to myself

I was depressed

and consumed by grief.

I knew now

after sticking that note

on the mirror

I had to find my way through it.

You see, I had a history of buried grief.

We lost a child, stillborn in 1987,

and neither of us dealt with our pain,

it became a taboo topic.

Never to be mentioned again.

My daughter never even heard

mention of it

for almost two decades.

We chose to bury the hurt

so deep inside

it never saw

the healing light of day.

It was this darkness;

this pain we bore every day

with no way out.

Not until I grieved losing my wife

did I finally find a way

to grieve losing my son.

To move beyond feeling,

he was ripped from us.

So I finally got to a point

where I could remember both of them

with love in my heart and not remorse.

So I could even talk about

the good times

and the crazy things that we did.

Or that happened to us

and laugh yet again

at those very same things.

To once again celebrate

the character of Jane E. and who she was.

 So on this day,

the "angel"versary of Jane E.'s transition,

I celebrate the love we had,

and the love we still share

with a Cheshire cat grin on my face.

Knowing she would want nothing less

than love & happiness for those,

she left on this plane.

I am still sad she's gone,

but I am grateful

for every day we had together,

I am thankful I chose

to find a way through grief

and to love the memories,

the good times, and the bad times.

To celebrate what we had

and shared and continue to,

just in a different way.

I am ever so grateful

to have met you Jane E.

I am grateful to choose Love.

        All My Love Always, Keith

Choice

 

Choice 01.13.21

 

Grateful and Thankful

I chose to read

this blog post

this morning.

https://youarelovenow.com/2021/01/13/a-choice-of-love-2/

I responded to it

with this:

 

The ability

to make a choice

is such a gift.

Sitting in awareness

and leaving that option

of choice open

is allowing yourself

the Grace To Be.

 

Do I allow myself

to be dragged

into negative thinking

by the ego,

or do I allow myself

to view all things

through the eyes

of the love I am,

that we all are.

 

During

the most trying moments

when my son

was in the ICU

after emergency brain surgery,

I was consumed

by all sorts of

negative thoughts.

I asked myself why?

I meditate all the time;

why isn't it helping

now?

 

At that moment,

I chose to seek

that stillness

I was so familiar with.

What came

immediately was this:

"Breath in Love, Exhale Peace."

It brought me home

to my center,

where Love resides.

It calmed

my monkey mind then.

It sustained me

for all the ensuing

difficult times

of his two year battle

with brain cancer.

 

And now,

as his first Angelversary

approaches,

it comes up

as a choice to make

yet again.

Again I lean on the mantra

that came

from the stillness

that day in the ICU.

I am continuing

to choose

to anchor myself

in it:

Breath in Love, Exhale Peace.

It always leads me

back to the Love

that birthed us all.

 All My Love always, Keith

Connection 01.09.21

                                                                          

Connection

01.09.21

I read a blog from a friend

called Love's Eternal Light today.

My heart was feeling very heavy.

Next week's impending

first Angelversary of my son

was hitting me very intensely.

So I did as I often do,

I took a hike.

It always seems to bring me back

to my loving center.

 

I was breathing in the winter's air

in the peaceful silence of the woods.

Allowing myself to go where I felt led.

So as I got to a split in the trail,

I followed my intuition

"this way!"

As I strolled along,

I noticed a Robin.

Jason's robins were with me!

That is a sign I have had

since his transition.

And not just one this day,

a flock of them.

I felt connected to him

in those first moments

of seeing them.

 

I saw my whole hike

unfold in my mind.

So I looped down to the main trail.

I crossed the bridge

(that has its own story of connection).

I now call it Jason's rainbow bridge.

Just after that,

another flock of robins.

A smile crosses my face

and lifts my heart higher.

 

As I head back,

I know I'm going to go off

the main path again and

back into the deep woods.

As I climb a ridge,

I notice Robins as I look up.

They always seem to be flying off

away from me farther down the trail.

Time after time,

when I look up,

I see this.

My heart becomes so light

with this loving sense.

This sense

that I'm hiking again with my son

as we so often did on visits.

 

Then I'm beaming

with the realization

that Jason knows

where I am going next!

He's guiding the Robins

to the path in front of me!

The flock is continually

flitting off before me

as I look up.

It fills my awareness,

time after time, when I look up.

Robins are everywhere before me.

 

This awareness gifts me;

it's washed the heaviness

from my heart.

It has left me with a confirmation

once again, that love never dies!

 

Thanks for hiking with me, Jason,

you made this dreary

cold winter's day

filled with the heaviness

of grief so much brighter.

Your love fills my heart

to overflowing.

My tear-filled eyes

again look up now

to see the title to

Sandy's blog message today.

"Love's Eternal Light"

thank you

for continuing

to shine it on me,

Dear Jason.

 

Love you, Dad.

 

My dear friend, Sandy,

posts daily messages.

You can read the one

my post refers to here.

 https://youarelovenow.com/2021/01/09/loves-eternal-light/

All My Love Always, Keith