You Get to
Choose
I am grateful for the awareness
of being able to choose to grow.
Eleven years ago,
I lost my wife very suddenly
leading to being mired in grief for months,
a seemingly unending sadness.
Then one day, I remembered how
Jane E. loved my smile.
She called it my Cheshire cat grin.
This awareness prompted me
to put a smiley face on a post-it note
and place it on the bathroom mirror.
I saw that little post-it smiley face
every morning.
Reminding me,
I could smile again if I chose to.
It became a doorway for me
into a new perspective on life
and how to live it.
I walked through it,
hesitantly at first only to find myself
consumed by grief yet again
and then wake up and see the note.
It was like Jane E. was there telling me:
remember to smile,
remember to love yourself,
remember me with love in your heart
and not sorrow.
It is ok to feel sad,
it is ok to feel depressed,
but do remember
all the good times,
all the laughter and love
and celebrate what we had
for the time we had it.
And so my halting steps
through grief began.
I admitted to myself
I was depressed
and consumed by grief.
I knew now
after sticking that note
on the mirror
I had to find my way through it.
You see, I had a history of buried grief.
We lost a child, stillborn in 1987,
and neither of us dealt with our pain,
it became a taboo topic.
Never to be mentioned again.
My daughter never even heard
mention of it
for almost two decades.
We chose to bury the hurt
so deep inside
it never saw
the healing light of day.
It was this darkness;
this pain we bore every day
with no way out.
Not until I grieved losing my wife
did I finally find a way
to grieve losing my son.
To move beyond feeling,
he was ripped from us.
So I finally got to a point
where I could remember both of them
with love in my heart and not remorse.
So I could even talk about
the good times
and the crazy things that we did.
Or that happened to us
and laugh yet again
at those very same things.
To once again celebrate
the character of Jane E. and who she
was.
So on this day,
the "angel"versary of Jane E.'s transition,
I celebrate the love we had,
and the love we still share
with a Cheshire cat grin on my face.
Knowing she would want nothing less
than love & happiness for those,
she left on this plane.
I am still sad she's gone,
but I am grateful
for every day we had together,
I am thankful I chose
to find a way through grief
and to love the memories,
the good times, and the bad times.
To celebrate what we had
and shared and continue to,
just in a different way.
I am ever so grateful
to have met you Jane E.
I am grateful to choose Love.
All My Love Always, Keith
